the worst noice is silence.
I can not handle this silence on the countryside! I sleep too deep and it gives me extreme headaches that will not pass even with painkillers or coffee. I always have it in Sweden, but never in Paris! Sometimes I think it's because there's so much noice that I can't feel my head. That's kinda what I like.
I feel so confused, but I don't have time to be because my sister's getting married soon and I need to think about that but my inside is screaming.. I don't know what I want anymore. Honestly I feel that I'm wasting my life in Sweden. I become a slacker.. I do nothing, I just sit infront of the computer. I really hate being outide the city. In the city I do things all the time, because I can! I can't do anything here.. I haven't even bought schampoo, because the closest town is like.. far away. I panic because I feel trapped.
It's strange that I feel more trapped here and panic as I'm claustrophobic you'd think that I would love all this space with no one around, but I don't. All that noice actually makes me calm and I focus much easier, and I don't get as distracted.
I feel forgotten too. I haven't had contact with anyone at all from France,exept for Cassandra. I had a very good friend there, but we've lost touch for several reasons (I guess it's mostly my fault), and I miss him so much. I would have liked nothing more than to just call him and talk to him and get his updates.
I haven't even talked to the person who is suppose to be the most important to talk to on a regular basis when I'm no longer in France. And it sucks, everything sucks right now.
What people don't get in Sweden is that... my life in Sweden is no longer my real life, the one in Paris is. And now I have to make my old real life my new real life.. right....?
Anyway, the good thing is that I get to spend time with my family. They are the best, they really are.
This is my sister and I when we were little, and we are still enjoying
ourself just as much nowdays as we did back then, if not more.
I feel so confused, but I don't have time to be because my sister's getting married soon and I need to think about that but my inside is screaming.. I don't know what I want anymore. Honestly I feel that I'm wasting my life in Sweden. I become a slacker.. I do nothing, I just sit infront of the computer. I really hate being outide the city. In the city I do things all the time, because I can! I can't do anything here.. I haven't even bought schampoo, because the closest town is like.. far away. I panic because I feel trapped.
It's strange that I feel more trapped here and panic as I'm claustrophobic you'd think that I would love all this space with no one around, but I don't. All that noice actually makes me calm and I focus much easier, and I don't get as distracted.
I feel forgotten too. I haven't had contact with anyone at all from France,exept for Cassandra. I had a very good friend there, but we've lost touch for several reasons (I guess it's mostly my fault), and I miss him so much. I would have liked nothing more than to just call him and talk to him and get his updates.
I haven't even talked to the person who is suppose to be the most important to talk to on a regular basis when I'm no longer in France. And it sucks, everything sucks right now.
What people don't get in Sweden is that... my life in Sweden is no longer my real life, the one in Paris is. And now I have to make my old real life my new real life.. right....?
Anyway, the good thing is that I get to spend time with my family. They are the best, they really are.
This is my sister and I when we were little, and we are still enjoying
ourself just as much nowdays as we did back then, if not more.
First day in Sweden and it's Midsummer!
Well. It feels strange being in Sweden. The thought of never returning to Paris is excruciating. Don't get me wrong, I love being here with my family. It was the first time I have laught like this in a very long time.
My mum and sister came to pick me and my other sister up at the airport in Copenhagen. My sister arrived from London about the same time as me so it was all good.
After an hours of driving we were finally home, and the first thing I saw was Morgan, my cat, I opened the door even before I my mum had stopped the car and just picked him up and cuddled.
Then Filippa and I went to do what we do best, hanging, I was on my computer and she was on hers and we sang together as we often do. I love it. I talked a little with my boyfriend and we decided to talk tonight. Never happened. I guess something came up as usual with men. You just cant trust them, can u??
For those of you not swedish, today is Midsummer. Normal people go out to partying and my friend Helena invited me to go to a party but I said no, since I was a bit tired and more important, I had all three sisters and my mother (the best people in the world) at home at once. It happens about three times a year! And we had a lovely time, eating midsummer dinner in the garden.
Yesterday was hard, I had do say good bye to Oscar and his parents. I really hope to see him soon again, I will miss him so much. I had dinner with them and suddenly Oscar came with a big yellow bag, and I was like.... hmm.. what is this. It turns out that Ylva, Oscars mother, had noticed how much I love Marc Jacobs and so she had bought me a computer case from Marc Jacobs. I was so happy I didn't even know what to say... I was so happy, and I am so greatful to have gotten to know this family. They are so nice and generous, great people, really!
Looking a bit tired after these few intense days.
My new Marc Jacobs computer case! Je l'adore!
My sisters and my mum.
Bisous Bisous
My mum and sister came to pick me and my other sister up at the airport in Copenhagen. My sister arrived from London about the same time as me so it was all good.
After an hours of driving we were finally home, and the first thing I saw was Morgan, my cat, I opened the door even before I my mum had stopped the car and just picked him up and cuddled.
Then Filippa and I went to do what we do best, hanging, I was on my computer and she was on hers and we sang together as we often do. I love it. I talked a little with my boyfriend and we decided to talk tonight. Never happened. I guess something came up as usual with men. You just cant trust them, can u??
For those of you not swedish, today is Midsummer. Normal people go out to partying and my friend Helena invited me to go to a party but I said no, since I was a bit tired and more important, I had all three sisters and my mother (the best people in the world) at home at once. It happens about three times a year! And we had a lovely time, eating midsummer dinner in the garden.
Yesterday was hard, I had do say good bye to Oscar and his parents. I really hope to see him soon again, I will miss him so much. I had dinner with them and suddenly Oscar came with a big yellow bag, and I was like.... hmm.. what is this. It turns out that Ylva, Oscars mother, had noticed how much I love Marc Jacobs and so she had bought me a computer case from Marc Jacobs. I was so happy I didn't even know what to say... I was so happy, and I am so greatful to have gotten to know this family. They are so nice and generous, great people, really!
Looking a bit tired after these few intense days.
My new Marc Jacobs computer case! Je l'adore!
My sisters and my mum.
Bisous Bisous
BQ at the swedish church
I had a one of those "I NEVER WANNA LEAVE PARIS"- days today.
I worked and it was fun. Oscar had a friend over so I got to spend the whole afternoon listening to beautiful reggae in a parc while they played football.
Then I went to a BQ at the swedish church as I had promised Oscar the wednesday before. And on our way there two of his milk teeth fell off!! I was so proud of him. Nowdays he is dropping them like crazy and every time, I miss it, but this time he droped TWO in less than 5 minutes!! My good little boy..
At the church I finally got to do a litte grown up talk, sitting with two mothers and two pretty young models in Paris over the summer trying to do the rough "model in Paris"- life. They were all lovely, but unfortunaly I couldn't stay long because of Oscars sleeping hours... I guess that's life with kids!
My little angle shows what he's got.
The World Cup is on.. and well, there was popcorn so... :) and a baby..
BQ - Swedish church people make great food.
Bisous Bisous
I worked and it was fun. Oscar had a friend over so I got to spend the whole afternoon listening to beautiful reggae in a parc while they played football.
Then I went to a BQ at the swedish church as I had promised Oscar the wednesday before. And on our way there two of his milk teeth fell off!! I was so proud of him. Nowdays he is dropping them like crazy and every time, I miss it, but this time he droped TWO in less than 5 minutes!! My good little boy..
At the church I finally got to do a litte grown up talk, sitting with two mothers and two pretty young models in Paris over the summer trying to do the rough "model in Paris"- life. They were all lovely, but unfortunaly I couldn't stay long because of Oscars sleeping hours... I guess that's life with kids!
My little angle shows what he's got.
The World Cup is on.. and well, there was popcorn so... :) and a baby..
BQ - Swedish church people make great food.
Bisous Bisous
Natasha by Marc Jacobs
Today has been a perfect day. Two major things happened.
1. I got to wear the graduation toga and get my diploma.
2. I went to buy my Marc Jacobs bag that I wanted to buy but then I changed my mind and I changed my mind back and so I just did it, and I love it. :)
The first time with my Natasha.
My baby, Natasha by Marc by Marc Jacobs
Maria and I with our diplomas.
1. I got to wear the graduation toga and get my diploma.
2. I went to buy my Marc Jacobs bag that I wanted to buy but then I changed my mind and I changed my mind back and so I just did it, and I love it. :)
The first time with my Natasha.
My baby, Natasha by Marc by Marc Jacobs
Maria and I with our diplomas.
No idea
My sister's coming to Paris to visit! I'm exicited because I'll have to do stuff with her and that way I don't just sit at home!
I have no idea what to do in 4 weeks. Dublin isn't happening, I changed my mind. So after I have left Paris, my life is a blanc page until further notice. I have some alternatives but I don't know which one I'll take. Maybe I'll stay in Sweden until the end of the year, or I'll go someplace totally different. The problem is, as always, money.
Right now it feels horrible to leave Paris, but I have to, at least for now. It's still old Paris I'll come back to, but without the people I know and care about. It takes a lot of effort to built a "real" life in a big city like this, and I have come half way...
My problem is that I am terrified of getting older, and I'm terrified of not becoming anything, of being a failure, I feel like I'm already reaching 30. Somehow I look forward to it, it would be nice living life without that reaching 30 stress. But there are so much I want to do before 30, and I keep telling myself that my life isn't over after 30 but it's a milestone and I am so afraid! I'm thinking so much a head that I'm not able to live in the present.
It funny, when you think back, and where you thought you'd be at 22. Not at all what I expected, I wanted to work in an office and be married. I wanted my first child before 25 (I still do but it's not gonna happen). I didn't realise how hard it is to find someone to marry, or even to love!
Bisous strangers!
I have no idea what to do in 4 weeks. Dublin isn't happening, I changed my mind. So after I have left Paris, my life is a blanc page until further notice. I have some alternatives but I don't know which one I'll take. Maybe I'll stay in Sweden until the end of the year, or I'll go someplace totally different. The problem is, as always, money.
Right now it feels horrible to leave Paris, but I have to, at least for now. It's still old Paris I'll come back to, but without the people I know and care about. It takes a lot of effort to built a "real" life in a big city like this, and I have come half way...
My problem is that I am terrified of getting older, and I'm terrified of not becoming anything, of being a failure, I feel like I'm already reaching 30. Somehow I look forward to it, it would be nice living life without that reaching 30 stress. But there are so much I want to do before 30, and I keep telling myself that my life isn't over after 30 but it's a milestone and I am so afraid! I'm thinking so much a head that I'm not able to live in the present.
It funny, when you think back, and where you thought you'd be at 22. Not at all what I expected, I wanted to work in an office and be married. I wanted my first child before 25 (I still do but it's not gonna happen). I didn't realise how hard it is to find someone to marry, or even to love!
Bisous strangers!
