nicolovesit

I have been alone since I got here, and the only people I've talked to are waiters. So yesterday, the Hotel bar - crew invited me to go party with them and I was stupid enough to think that they would actually take me to a fun place with Greek people, but no, they took me to a Scandinavian bar, filled with Swedes, Danes etc. AND they had brought another girl travelling alone and I had to sit a whole evening talking to her, and it was a drag.. She was 18 years old and she actually could not stop talking about herself, and her life, and after two hours I knew everything about everyone in her life... I know how she spends Easter and Christmas, that her parents are obsessed with old cars that her friend has two boyfriends and two completely seperate lives with them, and yet she is pregnant with a third guy, apparently a "negro" as she so nicely put it, and it will be disastor once the baby pops out because it will be black... AND SO ON... My God, I wanted to sink though the ground. She will probably come knocking on this door any minute now because she made me give her my room number so that we can "hang out"! I do not wanna spend my last days with her...

Anyway, tomorrow is the last whole day here and I feel scared to go home again, I have finally found peace in my mind, and I'm so scared that once I go back to Sweden I will loose it and go back to my old confused self! Then this whole soul searching trip will have been for nothing..

As I was getting dressed today, after having spent yet another fabulous day by the pool, yes, still red, but my fire alarm red skin colour has now gone Bourgogne red, which is one step colser to brown, if you ask me. Anyway, I was getting dressed and I was wondering how many women out there actually buy matching bra and panties? I don't think I've ever bought matching underwear! For me it's more like, black bra - black panties, pink bra - somewhat pink panties or at least white. It's not more complicated than that! But sometimes I would like to have matching underwear just for the fun of it, to feel expensive!

The problem is that you would have to buy many panties that looks the same, because you normally use your panties only time before washing, but you use your bra several times before that goes into the laundry... so.. if I were to wear matching underwear, I'd have to have plenty of panties to each bra, and then people would think that I'm using the same panties everyday which would hardly be seen as fresh would it...

I have loved to see the way Easter is being celebrated in Greece, yesterday they were shooting with guns all over the village, like they were at war or something, don't ask me why! I felt like I was an actor in "The Mexican". And before yesterday, everybody, I'm telling you, EVERYBODY in the village started to climb the hill up to the village church and they spent several hours ther listening to the priest. It was very interesting and I wanted to enter the church to watch since I've never been in an ortodox church exept the Russian Ortodox church in Paris. But out of respect for those who actually believe in Jesus I decided to watch them from a distance. But you could hear the messe all the way to the other side of the village. It was very beautiful.


Today has been the crying children's day, it all started with a terrible thing at breakfast, I was sitting at my table, having my morning coffee, when suddenly two parents went completely crazy, and started screaming and pulling a little baby, stuck in it's chair. The baby was completely quiet and just sat there staring, not breathing at all, and they had do pull the baby out by force trying to open his mouth and get out the piece of food that it had choked on, but didn't manage, and then the mother took the baby by it's legs and held it upside down shaking him like a doll, and finally the baby coughed up a huge amount of liquid and with it came a piece of bread, and then it finally breathed and started crying like hell!

I was scared to death by this! Imagine your baby choking like that, you must feel so powerless! What if the piece of bread hadn't come out and the baby would have died?? I can only imagine how scared the parents must have been if I, a useless bystander, reacted like this!

Anyway, this day seemed to be the day for babies to cry and hurt themselves, everywhere I looked children were crying, falling, getting bit by insects etc. and for the first time in my life I thought to myself; thank god I don't have children.

I'm about to go out for dinner again, there is a cute waiter in the hotel restaurant that I plan to watch as I have my Mousaka!

My entire body is red. The sun was way too strong today, but hey, better burned than pale!

Maria, my best friend and I are going to travel together this summer, but we don't know where yet. She is currently in New York with her boyfriend and I miss her, so here we go, this is for you, sweetheart!: I <3 NY. Love you and cannot wait to lay on the beach with you like old times!!

Took a dip in the pool today, and I swum for 15 minutes and WOW, I will be sick tomorrow, that's how freezing it was!! I couldnt breath the first 30 minutes in the water, but on the other hand, as I grew up swimming in my dad's pool that was warmed by nothing else but the sun and I turned out fine. No time for weakness in life!





Old t-shirt I bought when I was in NY, and I will wear it tonight to
show my love to Maria :)

This is my first whole day in Crete, and the sun has been out all day, and I've been by the pool, tanning, yes, tanning! I have actual marks on my body from my bikini...

The hotel breakfast was splendid, and I never think I've met anyone as nice as that breakfast lady! She is lovely, and I will have a very nice week ahead of me if she is the first person I'll meet before I've had my coffee!

Tonight I shall push myself further and go out to eat alone :) I really don't mind being alone, I thought I would, but I guess I'm more independent than I expected!

What I realised today, in my solitude, is what I have suspected for quite a while: I am not made for relationships, I can't make them work. I am too much and too little of everything a man wants! Don't get me wrong, it's not like I have trouble meeting men, I just have trouble holdning on to them; there's a difference!

Well, I slept for about 1,5 hours. So I'm pretty tired. (so sorry about my English spelling..)

I don't mind being alone at all! I think it's super!! Although........ It's not really as warm as I had expected it to be..

We landed at 11 this morning and then took the bus through this beautiful island, and then we come to Agia Marina and it all seems fine, until I go for a walk and OMG, I'm not normally that picky about living conditions but everything here is either brand new or teared apart, there are skinny hungry cats all over, and everything is just a mess. The beach has probably never been cleaned ever.. I have to admit that I am just a little bit disappointed, because I was expecting just a normal Greek village, not much of anything just a village, but there are nothing here... I've heard so much nice things about Greece. This is what I call 100% turist village, and if I wasn't doing this whole soul searching journey I would probably mind a lot more, but now I really don't.

I hope that I will be able to spend my days swimming and getting tanned, but as it is right now, it is too cold to lay by the pool. So I found something better: I am laying topless on my balcony floor where there is no wind, so it's warm and absolutely lovely! :) I have nothing to complain about really. But I do hope the weather will get better so that I can swim off all the calories I plan to eat. I'm not gonna gain those 2 kg I lost last week!! :P No chocolate for me!

Tonight I will try and make a list of what is important for me in life, because I seem to forget! The best thing you can do when you are confused is to make lists, that way you get perspective. So there!





This is some island or something... I really don't know what it is, or
what it is called but I think it was pretty. But I saw it as I was out
walking this afternoon. (as you can see, it is very cloudy).

I love my apartment, not only is it cosy, but also: It is my first real home. I've lived in many different places since graduation, three different places in Paris, at a phycho woman's house in Aix - en - Provence with spidars all over, at yet another crazy lady's house completely obsessed with her late husband in Aix - en - Provence and at my mum's place again and also at a university dorm (that was the worst of them all). And now, I actually have a home where I have my furniture, my art, my plants, my photos...


... and a balcony! :) And I am pretty satisfied with what I've done so far inside the apartment.. But on the balcony it is disastor. So this will be my new project. I don't really know how to start, but I was thinking I would make a small herbal garden, so I went and bought a Lavender plant, one Time plant and a Rosemary plant that I will put together with some colourful flowers, of course the lavender will eventually bloom so that will be very pretty. And I will paint the chairs and the little table, but I can't decide which colour... hmm..






The beginning of my herbal garden; Lavender, Time and Rosemary.





This will be the before picture, and I will hopefully be able to have an
after picture by summertime..





My father was kind enough to give me this small ivy branch. It is
rooting in a champagne glass in my kitchen until it's ready to be
planted on the balcony and start climbing on my wall.

I completely failed on my exam today, what can I say... So typically me, I'm not smart in the studying way, I know how to think, but I don't know how to learn stuff I don't wanna learn...

SO, I went to H&M after my big failure for some "cheer Nicki up a little". I found this little black dress, and it's just gorgeous, as I happen to love transparent fabric like the top of this dress. I adore it. I bought this on sale, last one, 299 sek down to 100 sek! Amazing huh?!? :)

I have such a headache, I know I've been grinding my teeth again in my sleep, and my jaws are killing me!! I do this when I'm stressed or worried. I am both at the moment, since I have exams on Monday (English grammar) and Tuesday (Translation) and I'm really not in the mood... It couldn't have been more inconvenient.


I had the most lovely day yesterday though, a friend who is studying in the noth of Sweden (in the middle of nowhere according to most people haha). We went on a mini road trip to the beach and spend a little time breathing the fresh air. And it was great! Just what I needed! And before taking the train to my mum's I stopped Maria and Isak to say a little good bye (they are going to New York on Monday, and I'm leaving for Crete).

I haven't had any time to prepare for my trip, and I have absolutely no idea how I'm gonna get to the airport because there are no busses that early. So I'm kinda screwed.. But I have decided to deal with that after my exams.

Anyway, what else is new? I might go to London before summer as well, to see my sister, and to get away (once again) from my rather useless life in Lund. I'm so sick of it, and I'm so happy that summer is coming so that I can just focus on whatever I need to focus on, I don't even know what I should do or, what I wanna do.. 

Unfortunately I do not think I will pass in school this semester, and I'm worried that I will never be able to focus on my studies, it all semms rather hopeless, I can't imagine that after the summer, I will start an actual programme, for 3,5 years.. My heart skipps a beat just by thinking of how hard it's gonna be to keep my motivation up..  

I had to cancel my plane ticket to Paris. I lost some money, but fortunately I've been saving up for emergency stuff. So I just bought a ticket to Crete, the Greek island and I'm off next Thursday!! I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw how cheap it was, that's the beauty of last minute travelling.

So anyway, after my two exams next week I will be off to the SUN. I cannot wait! One week all alone, with nothing to do but to walk along the beach, take pictures, swim and TAN. Yes, I'm gonna get tanned! I haven't been tanned since 2006. So I am paler than pale... I don't even remember how I look when I'm tanned, except that I am drop dead gorgeous, I just have to be! Who isn't?

I'm going on this trip to figure out some things in my life, and what it is that I want out of life and I hope that being away from everything and everyone I know is going to help me think. Because I'm awfully confused about life, as usual!


I'm travelling with: www.ving.se to Chania, Crete.

Yesterday was a sweeeeeeet evening! My sister Stephanie is in Sweden for two weeks and we try to spend as much time as possible before she goes back to London. So last week we did After work at Hipp in Malmö, and yesterday we had dinner at Stortorget in Lund with drinks at Grand Hotel after. (apparently the Strawberry colada is the new Cosmo!!) It was lovely! Lovely food, I ordered lambleg, absolutely delicious, it pretty much melted in my mouth! I recommend it! This was just what I needed, I'm awefully stressed in my mind, with everything that's going on. I'm currently trying to cancel a ticket to Paris but it wasn't as easy as I had expected it to be. I am very annoyed with the airplane company, to say the least!




Me and my two sisters and a friend

I would hardly say I'm a feminist, I'm more comfortable with the term: Modern Swedish Woman.

We all have different mentality, and I guess the perfect woman is different in different contries. And also there are assholes in all contries, of course. So, what defines the Swedish ideal woman (at least according to Swedish women). I think we can all agree that we are not afraid to stand our ground, and we are not quiet mice, doing what the men tells us to, we are who we are, we will not be quiet down because people think we are less of a woman if we speak our mind. I always speak my mind. And I always take action if necessary. Yes, we are about 200 years before women from most contries outside of Europe (sorry for being judgemental).

We look down on the kind women that obeys husband without blinking. We look down on the kind of woman who stays with her man even though he is hurting her, both physically and mentaly, seeming to think marriage is more important than the wellbeing of herself. 

In my own experience, men from some cultures seem to be unable to accept the fact that I was brought up to be a Swedish woman and that I don't accpet bullshit from him, just to make it easy on him. One man has even told me that I should not speak as I was with his male friends, because a good woman should just be present without expressing her opinion out loud. (YEAH, LIKE THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN!!)


I have a good example from a Nigerian guy with whom I had a very vivid discussion once:


- Are your parents still married?

- of course!

- Of course??

- Yeah, my mum's a darling..

- Meaning?

- Yeah, she is a good woman!

- What makes her a good woman?

- She knows her place, she makes no trouble for my dad, she respects him.

- Well, does he respect her?

- Yeah! Of course he does!

- Is he cheating on her?

- Yeah!

- And she knows about it?

- I think so, but she knows her place and, after all, if she does everything about it she will destroy the family!! What kind of mother would she be if she started making trouble between her and her husband?

- I see...........



I would like to tell this woman: Wake up girl, you've got it all twisted! Sad, sad woman. It's this kind of woman that is a weak woman, thinking that if she takes action SHE is the one destroying the family! NO, the moment that husband of hers put his dick into another woman HE broke the family up.



Or wait! I forgot.. Men are allowed to fuck everything they see, they are after all animals..


I am a Viking, and I have the right to play as much as men, thank you very much!

I heard this story today from three very beautiful people. It's from a film that was inspired by the 9/11 and there is this professor in philosophy who brings a a jar and stones to his class as an example of life.



The Stones In The Jar

A university professor takes with him to class an empty jar of mayonnaise and put it on the table in the front. He then started filling the jar with stones. When it was full, he asked his students: is the jar full? They all agreed it was.

Then he started to fill the jar with smaller stones, and when he had filled the jar and the small stones fell down in the spaces between the bigger stones and he asked the students again if it was full? They laughed and agreed that it was full.

Then the professor took sand and poured it in the jar and the sand filled all the space in between the smaller and bigger stones.

Now, he said, the jar is full. Let this jar represent your life. The bigger stones represents the most important peole in your life, husband, children, sisters, brothers, parents.

Let the smaller stones represent that of not so much importance like your house, your car or your boat.

Let the sand represent the less important in your life.

You need to choose the things that is the most important in life, that's why you fill the jar with the bigger stones first. Because if you start filling it with sand before you've filled with the stones, they wouln't fit. The importance is that the bigger stones fills the jar, and you can put whatever you want in the spaces between.





You don't wanna wake up one day looking at your jar of life and see
that it is only filled with sand, do you...?

My sisters and I went to your dad's place to clean out some closets, and I got a hold of my old baby cloths (I'm so using them for my future children, why bye when you can recycle??) and ALL of my toys. I was such a spoiled child, I don't like to say I was but actually was. And I came across this necklace! I have no idea who gave it to me and I had no idea I even owned a "Carrie - necklace", but it has my name on it so it has to be mine! I will have to get a new chain, probably bigger than the original one since it's obviously for a child....





My Nicole "Carrie - necklace"