nicolovesit

I have a horrible craving for cheesecake! I don't normally find cheesecake that tempting but today, I would give anything to have a piece. I wanna feel that soft creamy cheese stuff melting in my mouth and mixing with that dry smashed digestive crackers, and the strawberries giving the taste of summer..

After 45 minutes of swimming before breakfast, and then a portion of oatmeal, I'm feeling a bit weak. In theory I should eat all that stuff you need to eat, in order to stay strong after sports, and I will, but I think I'm gonna give myself a this little treat on Saturday after my day of biking with my sister! Lovely!





Straberry cheesecake

I realised today that I have a bruise under my lip and I have no idea how I got it. I must have slapped myself in my sleep. At first I thought, oh god I have a huge pimple coming, but no, there no sign of a potential bite or pimple. It doesn't show very well on the picture here, actually it's twice as big and twice as clear in reality. It is most peculiar how one can get a bruise without having gotten hurt..

I love my mother more than anything in the world and today, it is mother's day in Sweden. And she deserves all the best, she gave me and my sisters life, and she has always been there for us no matter what! She is loving and caring, she knows me better than anyone and she always knows when something is wrong and she always knows how to make it right. Jag älskar dig, mamma!!  <3





I love this picture of my mum, she looks so beautiful! (this is of course
before she had children and all that)

After my exam today, I went home and I spent the whole afternoon in front of the TV and then I woke up as my sister called me to pic up stuff she had left at my place. Then I made a wonderful dinner, and then I went to my friend Helenas place. (first time in a while)

What was suppose to be a quicky at her place turned into a whole evening beginning with gossip about everything and everyone, followed by us going through her old photo albums, and oh my, how we laughed.. (I'm sorry, Max if we sort of made it into a "old girls' memory evening".) But I loved every minute of it!


...AND later on a scary movie: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. (No, I did not enjoy byking home at 00.10 at night as the rain poured down.)





A lovely little balcony with table and all! It even has windows that you
can close to protect yourself from bad weather. Quite jealous, yes!

In exactly 30 minutes, I will fail on my big vocabulary final exam. But it's OK! I ain't all that bothered about it because I have two more exams coming up and they are according to Nic more important. Please notice: Drama Queen.

Some use their whiskey glasses to drink whiskey, I use them do pimp up my tomato - and chili plants. (sorry about my dead serious face, but I that is what happens when you focus on holding two plants in one hand towards the webcam and take a pic with the other one.)




I think it's my sisters old whiskey glasses, but as I ran out of pots to plant in
I had to find a solution, and this is it. I love them though :)

I just love this guy from "Brainstorm" he is such a lovely hippie/junkie, I can't help but smile when I hear this song and I can't help but to be very happy for just three minutes when I see him perform this song on youtube. Love it mua mua! (btw: you all know how I get a little obsessed with things sometimes, and well, this happens to be todays obsession)


My friends gonna call me: hey dreamer,
the stars you are watching are so far.
Tonight I know I will get there
Pretend there are things you just don't know
In spite someone's told you; you're so cute
You have to ask and I will show
The snow in the summer or so,so

If my star would fall
or disappeared at all

I will fallow my star 'til the end of my days,
And my heart's gonna lead me in so many ways
And if you wanna join me, I'll be your guide
baby never say never, be my runaway bride.


My friends gonna tell me; just calm down
the clouds you are walking on are so high
this is my chance and I'll invite
all dreamers and lovers to fly, fly
I'm back from the future life goes on
But still I remember my promis
You have to ask and I will show
The snow in the summer or so, so


If my star would fall
or disappeared at all

I will fallow my star 'til the end of my days
And my heart's gonna lead me in so many ways
And if you wanna join me, I'll be your guide
Baby never say never, be my runaway bride....





Brainstorm - A popgroup from Lithuania.

I am such a lucky girl, my sister was working for Nivea today, and I bought a mascara from her, she had coupons! This is Nivea's newest mascara and I'm wearing it now, and I like it, but there is nothing special about it I think, but sometimes it takes a couple of times before works its miracles. Anyway, just wanted to let you all know!





Nivea - Lash Elastic

Not completely unexpected; Nicole's English phase is over. The new phase is historical literatur, and the first one is this little book about Axel von Fersen and queen Marie - Antoinette written by Margareta Beckman. I have only just started reading but I am loving it already, it is such a romantic story, and so interesting!

The Swedish nobleman Axel von Fersen write in a letter to his sister Sophie: L'image de la Reine me suit et me suivra sans cesse et partout. Je n'aime qu'à en parler, à me rappeller les beaux moments de ma vie"





"Je puis vous dire que je vous aime" - Queen
Marie Antoinette wrote to her beloved Axel von
Fersen, a Swedish nobelman.

After two weeks of good and adult behavior, I am falling apart. I don't know why I'm so damn sensitive to stress. I was up all night twisting and turning, I just could not sleep. Why? Because everytime I have an exam coming up, I completely fall apart, I cannot focus, I can't sleep, I don't do the dishes, I don't clean my apartment, and I really don't study. I know that things will not get any better by just sitting and stearing into a wall without doing anything.. But I don't know how to relax myself! I need to practise on handling stress, because I'm like a f**king child...

I asked my friend Maria, who is a linguistic student (a very talented one at that) to post words on my wall for me to transcribe into phonetic script, and well, it's so much fun! Languages is one of the top subjects in our conversations.. Maybe: 1. Gossip. 2. Hair and handbags. 3. Languages and culture. So, thank you, doll! I really do hope the transcription is correct.... Maybe I should have checked for errors before showing them to everyone :S naaah, who cares!

I think it's amazing how one seems to lose oneself in the process of life, and ends up not being mindful, without bothering to take a moment to reflect on what is wanted out of life.

I think we've all been there. I know I have, hundreds of times. And in that moment you need something or someone to bring you back down to the ground, for instance your family and friends. But sometimes not even they can make you realise that you are not being mindful about your actions and that you are rushing through your life without as much as a thought.

If you are so focused on doing everything, you hardly have time to relax in the moment. And I have tried so hard to be able to just let go and enjoy the time I have. I think that you can be happy no matter where you are, as long as you are in peace with yourself. And you need to reflect on what will make you happy about yourself, without pressure. I cannot do everything, but I could do my best, and as long as I do my best, I deserve all good in life.

My teacher gave me this website where people from all over the world has recorded their voice, reading the exact same text in English. It doesn't matter how well English you speak, you don't even have to know English at all. But what you can see in this "voice archive" is what sort of phonetic difficulties people have, depending on their native language, how old they are and their level of English.

The best part is that you can record your own voice! (I will do it as soon as I have a chance!)


http://accent.gmu.edu/

I have never used this dress, and I found it two days ago, and I had totally forgotten about it! I like it because the back has the shape of a heart :) hmm hmm! It's really hard to take a picture of your own back though, so this is the best I could do...

Maybe I'll wear it to the barbeque tomorrow, the first barbeque of the year!

Something has clearly happened to me over this past week! This Sunday I made up a rule for myself to actually do the dishes after I've eaten and not wait until the day after or even longer, because I hate doing dishes. I don't know if it is my medication or something else but I have actually stuck to my rule. It is unbelievable clean in my kitchen, and I've notice that it takes like 3 minutes to do the dishes after dinner, so instread of standing for 30 minutes every third day it's just easier and it seems faster to do it straight after you have eaten. Nic is turing into quite the housewife.

A few years ago, my aunt came to our house with old cloths from my grandmother, and I was quick to collect the nicest pieces of clothing in the best shape.  And then I have been too much of a coward to wear it. But this weekend when I was going through my closet at my mums place, there it was! And it was perfect.... :) Of course it's way too pretty to sleep in, so I'm using it as a summer dress.











Look at the detailing in this dress! It is stunning! I love it.

I am finally awake after having snoozed for one hour.. I am so tired, I just wanna go back to sleep but I know I don't have that luxury today. I've got things to do!

Yesterday I studied like crazy. for the first time in my life probably, I'm gonna have to step it up a notch if I'm gonna pass in school. In the evening I met my friend Maria at our usual place (I love that we have a special place where we always meet.. "meet me at the usual place, at the usual time:)" I had one glass of wine and I actually got tipsy, I can't believe it... But it was wonderful! We were later joined by Isak, the boyfriend (not mine of course, Maria's) and his friend, Oscar. Adorable people. It was freaking cold last night.






Lilla fiskaregatan in Lund, this is were you always fall on you 
ass when you are drunk. At least I do! Good thing I am leeding
a honest sober life nowdays. (please notice that we are both
wearing our new pair of shoes, they are just like us: very
different, but at the same time; very much alike <3

Ok, so I've lost some weight, and I'm happy with that, I have never been this healthy in my life, ever! I actually enjoy eating green stuff now.

But the thing about the boobs........ I don't know how I feel about that. They have shrunk like one size if not more. They are vanishing! Why is it that women cannot loose weight only in the following places: belly, chest, arms and legs. Why can we not keep the ass and boobs?? I don't wanna loose my ass either but let's face it.. it's happening! I guess it's a metter of priorities, do I wanna live a long and healty life and look 30 when I'm 40 and not the other way around, or do I wanna keep my boobs and my chocolate bars? Really hard choice!

As you all know, I am diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). Anyway, after careful consideration I have decided that the best thing for me would be to go on medication, in order to cope with school and with relationships. I have taken it once before and it had the same effect on me as it seem to have now.

This medication is called Conserta, some have heard of it and some hasn't but I will try and explain shortly how it functions. It is a nervous system stumulant, which makes you, if you have ADHD, much calmer, much more focused and much more in control of your impulses. So that's positive.

The negative part of this medication is that when you start taking it when you are an adult (and maybe for some children), you seem to get a sort of identity crisis. As Concerta slows you down and takes away your impulses and that "turbo-speed-thinking" - mode that you have 24/7, it is almost like you are turned into a completely different person. Because by the time you are 23 you have pretty much developped a personality where your ADHD is included, and people either love you, or they hate you.

Once you are on medication that "crazy" part of you goes missing, and you are left with a sort of half personality. You don't know where and what you are anymore. You start to ask yourself questions like; Who am I? Is the person on medication the "real" me, if I would have been born without ADHD? And if so, have I been a false person for my entire life? Is my ADHD - symptoms what my closest friends like about me, and will they still like me now that I am no longer like that? What about the people who I need while I'm on medication and they will not like the person I am once I go off it?

It is now my second day with Concerta, and of course it will get better, but these first couple of days are such an enormous change for me, it's like I've been transfered into a completely different body and brain. I haven't seen anyone, except in school and I hate to say this; but I don't really feel I need to see anyone or do anything at all. I can't be bothered, I just sit and stare and is quite comfortable with that. It is that part that scares me; will my joy for my friends vanish as a symptom of my ADHD?

I bet all my ex boyfriends would absolutely love me right now, that is how utterly reasonable I've become. But it's not me... or is it...?

I was thinking, in between my school books... That there are so many people in life, that you will probably never see again as long as you live. When you think that some people used to mean so much to you and that at the moment when you were with these people the thought of never seeing them again seemed unbearable. And then all of the sudden, things change, people change and suddenly you realise that you will probably never see them again. Ever.

Why is it that some people leave such great trace in your heart, while others seem to come and go without as much as a thought? Now, I long for all the people that are no longer in my life, and yet they could be if I wanted it that way. If I had played my cards right. It's a strange feeling, knowing that things could have turned out so different. It's scary how different my life would have been if, at certain points in my life, I would have made a different decision. And I wonder if I would have been happy...

I am in the worst mood ever today. I feel like if I do not go home and hide away from everyone I will have a horrible tantrum! I am nervous mostly about school since I was suddenly given a second chance in my Literature class which means that I've spend two days trying to catch up on everything I've missed plus the things I've missed the days I thought I had failed! One poerty reading essay, three books and correction of another essay. I'm am half way there, and I normally work well under a small amount of pressure, that is for about a day before I have a meltdown. Now I have been on turbo mode for two days straight and I feel the meltdown slowly arriving. Therefore I will not stay at my mom's place because I will only be rude to her and let's face it; You are not allowed to be rude to the one who gave you life. So I'm going home tonight after she insisted on making me dinner before I return.


By the way: The weather is wonderful outside. I am inside.

Oh la la! I got myself a new bag today! It's a WERA Stockholm. Yesterday, I got an e-mail saying I got 25% off on handbags at the store and I was like HELL YEAH! So I decided that it was time to get a new bag, this one was kinda expensive but with the discount it wasn't that bad (although I really don't have the money right now.. ) It's real leather, and I just don't like new leather so I'll have to massage it to soften it up a little! But other than that, I love it!

Once again, I am "the mistress" or "the secret woman". I have once more gotten my message deleted on someones Facebook wall because "he doesn't want people to see". My question now is: Why are men so ashamed of me that they do not want anyone to know? When you write something on a man's wall, it says quite alot if he then goes and delete it, doesn't it? It's not even a personal message, but God forbid that anyone would find out about my existence!! I am and will always be, as my friends said a couple of weeks ago, the secret lover. Well, that might be sexy to play that part sometimes but when it's the third time in a row, it kinda breaks my heart a little, to be honest.

I'm trying to be mindful about it because I know I'm not the only woman out there who is treated this way, and so I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, because I'm obviously doing something wrong. Am I simply picking the wrong men, or is it really me? It's all so very frustrating, and I think it's a pity that I can't find a normal man, it's not like I'm asking for that much.. And all my friends seems to do just fine!

So please, all men out there.. make up your mind: you either fuck around, or you stick to one woman. It's hardly rocket science is it...

Today, my teacher said to me: "there is no use of you to continue this course of English Literature because you have missed too much and you will not be able to catch up" (she is the devil that teacher)

I started to cry. She didn't feel sorry for me.

I am now home from my little soul searching trip and already I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. And even if I did figure some things out while being away I seem to have left my new found wisdom where I found it: in Crete.

School is going horrible, plus I think I'm gonna get sick. I feel so stressed, and I have already failed on my exam that was so so so so important, and now I am screwed! I have no idea what to do about next semester.. I just wanna get on with my life and get it over and done with. I hate not knowing what the future holds.



I will make a list of things that have made me happy today:

• The weather is beautiful.
• I have a wonderful family, with whom I can enjoy life, because we have so much fun together.
• I did not forget to bring my new plants from my mums place to mine today!
• I have broken my stay - away - from - chocolate - record!
• My sister said: "Oh you look so beautiful!" when she saw me half naked today.
• Today when I was grilling turkey fillet, an N (as in Nicole) appeared on one of the sides from the iron bars of the grill, I was quite happy about that! (I really don't know how to explain it in a better way than that..)

I can't find anything more to be happy about. But you know what they say, it's the little things that count... :)